CROM and other ways to use profanity...

Well, I'm knee deep in Conan territory…  Having been through about 10 - 15 magazines at this point, I thought it would make sense to see Arnold's (pronounced AH'-knoweld) depiction of the character from the two movies (and soon third) that were made… 

Quick notes:

• I didn't watch the 2011 re-release featuring Jason Momoa.

• There is a TV series in the work that was announced in February!

• I haven't watched the 1985 Red Sonja movie, yet...

CREATORS

First I learned that Robert E. Howard and H.P. Lovecraft were pen pals.  I think that is pretty awesome.  Lovecraft helped get Howard into Weird Tales. You can definitely see the influence as Howard faced some of his own demons. After watching his mom comatose / die of Tuberculosis, Howard shot himself in his car when he was 30.  He was bullied about his writing, found love in his best friend's girl, (the original "Jessie's Girl"), and suffered from mild Oedipus complex… Ahhhhh, the pains of genius… his suicide note reads:  

"All fled, all done, so lift me on the pyre; The feast is over and the lamps expire."

—Howard's suicide note, found in his typewriter after learning of his mother's inability to regain consciousness from tuberculosis. The lines were taken from the poem "The House of Cæsar" by Viola Garvin
Howard's mom died the day after his death.

THE BARBARIAN

Howard is credited with being a writer on both of AH-knoweld's films. Howard, prior to the films, had many pen names.

"The Barbarian" also has John Milius and Oliver Stone listed as writers. Pretty heavy handed pros taking a risk on this somewhat unknown lead.  Milius even went as far to use as much Frazetta as possible.

"I tried to get the mood, the lightning and the feel. And there's a couple of scenes that were absolutely dedicated in the movie to Frazetta. (Millius about Frank)." - conancompletist.forumactif.com

They took the leap on Arnold and the rest is history. Arnold's first lines "Crush your enemies. See dem driven before you, and to hear da lamentation of da women." shows a robotic distilled human with nothing more than a single purpose.  From what he learns by fighting in the arenas, it's not as easy as it sounds.

The writing on "Barbarian" was true and tributary to Howard's format.  Key event (to trigger the story), a beheading, slow burn (push that wheel Conan!), to super fantastic moment (demon lover) all bathed in supernatural phenomena.  The pacing then goes to a slow burn climax. There's another fantastic beheading, and then burning resolve.  You can hear Stone and Milius discussing how Conan should get revenge the same way his mother was killed so it's "poetic". 

The movie sets even match the design of the magazines. However, I felt empty when getting to like Conan in the first film.  Whether it was screen time, or just the writing, I have no time to empathize with the little boy seeing his mom get killed, and there is an odd disconnect between that boy and Arnold's Conan.  I think all that time at the wheel was missed opportunity to get to know him. His dreams, desires, his pent up rage, or even his mischievous nature.  All missed because we get to watch him spin a wheel for 15 minutes.

Basil Poledouris' score (iconic music) fills in the third dimensional gap with fantastic pulse pounding drum thumping.

The story features supernatural oddities, bigger than life villains (J. E. Jones), and really fun set designs / locations.  The love interest felt genuine. One of my favorite moments was when Conan's comatose body was ravaged by animated cloud demons. It was brilliant to watch projected on a big screen.  The animation is bizarre and lends itself incredibly well to the unnatural event.

One word. 

Mother-freakin'-MAKO. 

Love this guy and his voice.

The movie showcased the potential it needed to carry Howard's main character into sequels. Arnold's character in this film plays much like Tom Hardy in the new Mad Max.  When I look back I don't remember him doing much than moving the story forward.  Arnold's Conan is a little more than a McGuffin, but not much more.

THE DESTROYER

They drop the word "Cimmerian" for the first time during the opening dialogue which is overdue. (Mostly thanks to Roy Thomas I would imagine.)

The quality of this picture jumps two notches. Quality wise. Meaning: characters, set designs, story, Arnold's acting, Mother FREAKIN' MAKO.  HOWEVER, I somewhat feel the cinematography of the first film was better done.  They even tie the story together with events from the first movie.  Arnold apologizes to the same camel for hitting him, comedically, camel spits on him, then Arnold punches him out... again.  Thomas and Conway incorporate humor into this story which if done well, usually gets my vote.

Mako even makes a second appearance in the Conan dance troupe. No back story, just Conan saying "I need you."  I appreciate Thomas and Conway fitting in these little moments into the story.  Makes it more of a package deal.

Bringing the writers of the books onto the screenplay was a great idea.  Roy and Gerry (on a Conway good day), stitch this Conan tale true to the books they worked.  Same pacing and flow.  Same bizarre villains.  All handled really well and if you know the material, you begin to anticipate the ride.

I do want to point out one thing:

I don't think Roy or Gerry knew who was going to be cast as their written character roles, but all I've got to say is:

Bombaata (Wilt Chamberlain) was put in the task of guarding Princess Jehnna's virginity?!  

(IRONY at its finest!)   I thought he would be the LAST one I would trust with THAT story driven plot.  But ahhhh, I digress.  He behaves and becomes the only guy I've seen on the screen that picks Arnold up and suplexes him into the ground.  Pretty amazing site actually…

Grace Jones' wild eye stares and gorgeous skin tone make her a wonder to watch in action. Her character plays little in the role, but as far as adventure goes, she fits right into the fellowship.

The sidekick, (adequately playing the role of the trickster in the hero's journey), goes to Malak. He's an interesting choice to play this part and we don't get a say whether he joins the cast like Jar Jar.  He is already part of Conan's troupe when the movie starts so we go along with it…  still on the fence about how I feel about this thief with a soft heart.

THE BIGGEST EASTER EGG!!!

Knowing it's Andre the Giant as Dagoth at the end of the film! Great vintage movie monster and did a great job holding his own against Arnold.

Arnold's acting is much better in this film.  We see more sides of the character.  We see Conan's guard down when he's drunk. There's more comedy, mostly between him and Bombaata.  There's drama with a small love triangle.  Arnold is much more relaxed this time 'round and it shows as it makes Conan a more likable antagonist.  (Not sure he's a hero, yet…)  

THE PROGNOSIS

I love these nostalgic movie rides from my childhood.  They are even better when projected.  They hold 100% of your focus on the big screen because we get so distracted with our smaller screens.  They are great adventure movies. In contrast to today's standards, they request you take time to live in this world. These characters aren't as crazy paced for the attention deficit, but require a finesse of focus to fully enjoy.  Get a projector, watch them on Crackle app if you don't have them, (for free if you don't mind interim commercial breaks), pop some popcorn, and ride them out.

Out of the two, I prefer "The Destroyer" for it's Hollywood monsters, magician battles, and Arnold's comfortable, seasoned Conan.  I really do enjoy moments of the first film in comparison. (James Earl Jones' cult driven, monstrous aberration, cinematography, and the true love interest), but in an overall film experience, "the Destroyer" pays out in adventure dividends.

Thanks for taking the time to read.  I look forward to hearing what you have to say!

—I

Ian J. Johnston  |  Founder Johnstone Pictures

ian@johnstonepictures.com  |  M: 801-592-1241